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How to overcome your fear of sex

This article will be useful to anyone who has faced fears in intimate relationships and wants to overcome them.

Sexual fears can lead to anorgasmia, premature ejaculation, inability to enter into relationships, loneliness, depression, and even suicidal attempts.

The most common fears are as follows:

  • fear of non-conformity with cultural or social norms
  • fear of rejection
  • fear of violence
  • fear of the unknown
  • fear of having sex and not living up to the expectations of another

Fear of non-compliance with cultural norms

I was approached by a client who professed Islam. She complained of depressed mood and anxiety. The client studied at the university, was successful, worked, and maintained good relations with her parents.

I have worked with her feelings and beliefs in cognitive-behavioral and art-therapy approaches, which in such situations quickly help to achieve improvement. There was no result.

I was already thinking of recommending medication, when the client confessed that she had fallen in love with a young man of another religion, experienced a strong sexual desire, but suppressed it in herself, was ashamed and afraid. She felt confused, as she did not want to give up her faith and was sure that the young man would not accept her religion. She didn’t know what to do.

We carefully analyzed the internal conflict, talked for a long time about her personality, values, ideas about happiness. This helped her make a decision.

Fear of sex – fear of inconsistency with social stereotypes

The Internet and popular culture offer countless stereotypes that have nothing to do with reality:

  • “Sex should last thirty minutes – no more and no less”
  • “My body must be within the parameters 90-60-90 to be attractive”
  • “A lot of sexual partners is a guarantee of your own attractiveness”

In the recent film “I’m Losing Weight,” a young man breaks off relations because of the girl’s appearance, finds “the ideal of sexuality,” but eventually loses love. And the heroine, through work on her body, comes to her real self, to the feelings that were hidden in the depths. She meets her fears and eventually becomes herself, free from the opinions of others.

Fear of rejection

Fear of pain. I will open and the other will not. I will fall in love, and the other will devalue, use, will not notice, offend, reject, offend, will not feel, will not hear, deceive, will manipulate.

How to overcome fear of sex? Love anyway, take the initiative, take risks – this is a strong position. The pain of rejection teaches you to value yourself.

Fear of violence

A client who faced sexual abuse many years ago could not open up and confide in the partner she fell in love with. She could not find the strength to talk about it, because inside there was pain and unshed tears. She was unconsciously afraid of repetition.

How to overcome your fear of sex? In such a situation, gentle, delicate conversation, psychotherapy, work with psychological trauma and its consequences are useful. A person should form a position “you can’t do this with me”, “I can protect myself” – allow yourself to get angry, express emotions, recognize your own value, realize your own psychological resources.

Fear of trying new things

In experienced couples, sex becomes less frequent, sensations dull. Take a closer look – do you know everything about your partner? It is important to experiment, fantasize and fulfill. Couples who are experiencing new experiences together (traveling, meeting new people, doing creative work) are more satisfied with their life together.

Fear of not living up to the expectations of another (sexual failure expectation syndrome)

A young married couple came to the reception. They complained about misunderstandings, conflicts, dissatisfaction with sex.

It turned out that each of the partners is focused on the ideal image of the other, which lives in his head. He often mentally communicates with a virtual copy of a partner than with himself, and answers questions for him as he imagines. The woman wanted more stimulation of the clitoris and did not like the taste of semen during oral sex, but she was afraid to say so so as not to offend the man. The man tried to provide “dynamics”, not really feeling what exactly he wants.

Do not be afraid to be “uncomfortable” for others, this is the only way you will become yourself.

How to get rid of your fear of sex

1. Discuss fears openly with your partner.
2. If you are hesitant to discuss with your partner, talk to a close friend or psychologist first.
3. Love and accept your body. Masturbation is okay!
4. Study your body. How can a partner guess what I like about sex if I don’t know it myself?
5. Get to know the other’s feelings about sex and share yours. Your partner will not be able to get into your head, and you will not be able to get into him.
6. Share your sexual fantasies with each other.
6. Adjust your beliefs, be flexible. Sex is normal, necessary, beautiful and healthy.
7. Accept your aggression, desire to possess others.
8. Be yourself. Explore yourself, trust yourself. Respect the rules and norms of society and choose what makes you happy.

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